Moving Elderly Parents closer to us !

Posted on September 2, 2009 by Rajiv Nagaich

One of my client Vicky calls to ask for advice regarding her aging father living in North Dakota in a nursing home. Stepmother rarely visits Dad in the nursing home and daughter would like to bring Dad to Washington so she can help care for him. Vicki relates that in a previous conversation when she had suggested the move, her dad had raised concerns over not being able to see his wife and thus refused the move. Stepmom has the power of attorney over Dad and may not be cooperative. Dad has been married to stepmom for several years.
 

Here is my advice to Vicky, you are dealing with a sticky wicket. I admire your dedication to your father. But the fact is that so long as your dad has any capacity to understand the issue and form an opinion about it, you will have no say-so. This is about your dad, not you. Your dad made the decision to marry your stepmom and give her the authority to make decisions on his behalf if he became incapacitated. People do strange things. As hard as it is for you to see your dad alone in the nursing home without visits from your stepmom, that is the choice your dad has made. Legally, you can seek guardianship over your dad, but guardianship will be granted only if you are able to show that your stepmom is negligent in her duties as agent under the power of attorney to your dad. Not visiting your dad regularly may not be enough for you to be successful.

My advice would be to discuss this issue with your dad and stepmom and propose that you are willing to relieve your stepmom of the overwhelming responsibility of caring for your dad. I am sure that somewhere deep down, your stepmom knows that she is not being a good support person and may be willing to give up her role as agent under power of attorney. If that does not work, I would have you think hard about your legal right to seek guardianship. Unless your dad approves and will not suffer from losing his ability to see your stepmom, I would advise against it. What is the point of moving your dad if he is going to be miserable? He will likely resent your involvement and die a broken-hearted man. Resolve yourself to visiting your dad as often as you can and letting him know how special he is. And keep working on a solution that is acceptable to your stepmom as well.
 

Next, should you decide to move your dad, involve a care manager from the start to help you understand your options about his care. If you are willing to bring him to your home, the care manager will assist in developing a care plan that will allow this to happen without becoming overly burdensome to you alone. If living at home is not an option, the care manager will guide you through the process of selecting an appropriate housing alternative that will address your dad’s needs and resolve your concerns.

 

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Having Conversation with Elderly Parents

Posted on July 28, 2009 by Rajiv Nagaich

 

We are having a difficult time dealing with our parents whose health is rapidly failing. They refuse to discuss moving and are shutting us out. How should we approach them about these issues?

 

Why is anyone surprised that when a person refuses to consider moving out of their home. Especially when the move is to a nursing home – a term that my well be synonymous with the notion of end of life. Most children who are concerned about their parents make the mistake of thinking that they can rationally debate the issue and have parents to see the errors of their ways.   Some parents are able to deal with it, though most are not. Put yourself in their shoes. A home represents everything in life – a lifetime of hard work; independence, symbolic and actual; and pride of being in control of their own lives. Further, the process of aging is slow. Changes that outsiders can spot quickly are something that the aging elderly will not feel or notice. It is like watching your own children grow. Each day they grow, but those who see the children from time to time will notice the growth while the parents may not. Similarly, those who are aging may not see the deficits the same way others do and when the deficits are pointed out they may dismiss it as being worries not based in reality. Further, remember, as a child your parents raised you and always have had the advantage of experience over you. So, when they guided you all their lives why do you think they will view you any different than the snotty nosed kid who knew little when you were young any differently today? The better way is to encourage your parents to seek advise on how to protect their assets and learn how to avoid nursing home stay. Keeping mom and Dad safe at home.This is likely their goal. And they are likely to listen to outsiders more than someone from their children with whom they have many contacts in many different contexts, most of them being in the context of a wise parent guiding a child through life. Don’t play the role of a teacher or someone who knows more than mom or dad, be the child the parent loves and cherishes – and encourage the parent to seek assistance to address concerns they can and likely do identify with. Have them speak to their physician or a qualified professional, including an elder law attorney. 

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